Quit Pretending You’re Scared of Clowns

Posted: October 1, 2011 in Life
Tags: , , ,

Trends and patterns blaze globally as the Internet publishes ideas, and the net has housed a million sects born through likeminded folks seeking one another out. People converge to discuss health, sports, arts, gossip, hobbies, ailments, culinary ideas, books, whatever floats our respective boats. And as such, memetic fashions bloom online faster than clothing fashions spread across Paris and Milan.

But when and why did it become so cool and trendy to be scared of clowns?

Not just apprehensive or a little unnerved, but The Most scared, petrified, paralyzed, palsy-induced, traumatized and soil-your-pants afraid out of all the people you ever met. Your clown-fear is the stuff of legend. And the hyperbolic competition surrounding coulrophobia is vicious, because then the “Oh yeah? That’s Nothing…” begins.

You’re so scared of clowns, local folklore boasts how you got banned from the circus when you were six, for clawing and chewing your way through the big-top in a hysterical trauma, wrecking their canvas and their show forever. You almost died at the mere suggestion of a clown, but that’s nothing, because my doctor prescribed Zoloft, merely because clowns exist. Oh yeah? Well I once killed a clown, because because because clowns are really, really scary, more so for me than anybody else in the entire universe. I would rather die than ever hear the C-word again.

Scouring the net, it’s stunning how many people boast and exacerbate this trendy new-old clown fear, and also a little embarrassing. It’s even surpassing the upsurge of Spiderman obsessives who claim to have loved the comic their whole lives, even though they didn’t read any until Sam Raimi made it cool. And don’t get me started on ninjas.

I understand that clowns are creepy, and that some people do have a for-real phobia, but I am skeptical that this is the case with the bulk of our clown-fearing trendies. Furthermore, this is not the epiphany or new, hip revelation you think it is. People have been cashing in on the natural unease clowns induce for years.

Obviously clowns are unsettling – they’re SUPPOSED TO BE. Creepy adults in disguise doing unpredictable things around children were never cute. With everything from John Wayne Gacy through to Pennywise, Killer Klowns from Outer Space, Poltergeist, the clown in Zombieland, Shakes the Clown – clowns are one of the most exploited plot devices and nightmare-inducers ever used in popular media. It’s not that unique, Bozo.

But regardless, the clown spats continue, the clownathons run rampant and the contests are becoming more viciously rabid by the day; clown-fearers are overtaking god-fearers in number and extremity, and the wave continues to spread like a virus.

I think I’m starting to fear the fear of clowns.

  1. Anonymous says:

    But, but I am scared of clowns 🙂

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